35 



THE CAPTAIN'S 
PREDICAMENT 



-BY- 



I 



ALICE GAY JUDD. 




PRICE 35 GENTS 



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THE CAPTAIN'S PREDICAMENT 



A FARCE IN TWO ACTS 



By 
ALICE GAY JUDD 



Copyritrht 1920, Eldridge Entertainment House 



-Published by- 



ELDRIDGE ENTERTAINMENT HOUSE, 

FRANKLIN, OHIO DENVER, COLO. 



Cast of Characters 



tS^i 



Capt. Lawrence Harrington, a young army officer on his 
way to visit the Stannards. 

Jack Stannard. the Captain's friend. 

Barbara Stannard, Jack's sister and housekeeper. 

Jean Weston, Barbara's friend and visitor. 

Dr. Williams, a fussy, old village doctor. 

Miss Molly Cushman 

Miss Dorothea Drake \ three gushing village girls. 

Miss Pauline Clemmons 



Settimj: — Living room ; usual furnihtre; large couch 
center back; large screen at right angles to ivall between 
couch and door at left of couch. 



^i^C3Q|92u ©c!.D 56388 



ry^ \ 



The Captain's Predicament 



ACT I. 

Scene — Living room in the StannarcVs house. 
(Enter Barbara and Jean, Barbara carrying a b&wl 
of f lowers which she places on center table.,) 

Barbara — There; Jeannie, that's the last touch. 
Doesn't the room look nice? It's been so long* since the 
Captain had a real home, that I want the house to look 
very cheerful and comfortable. 

Jean — (arranging couch cushions while Barbara 
talks) The house looks very nice, and the mistress, also. 
Captain Harrington ought to fall in love with Bab. 

(Door opens suddenly and Jack hurries in, telegrani 
in his hand.) 

Jack — Girls, I've just had a telegram from Law- 
rence. He'll be here on the 9 :30, and wants me to meet 
him with a car. He's sick. 

(Both girls exclaim.) 

Barb. — Sick! 0, Jack! And think of all the things 
we've planned for him to do ! And all the dinners and 
luncheons that he v/on't be able to eat. Poor fellow ! 

Jean — You'd better stop and get old Dr. Williams^ 
Jack. Maybe it's something serious. 

Jack — That's right. Williams will know just how to 
handle him. Say, girls, hadn't you better get something 
re^dy for him to eat; while I'm gone? He ought to have 
something to keep up his strength. Sick people can al- 
ways have toast and tea. I must go, for it's almost train 
time. (Exit, ) 

3 



4 The Captain's Predicament ' 

Barb.— ls>n't that just like a man? Make toast and 
tea while he's gone! We'd better be getting hot-water 
bottles and bandages and cracked ice. For goodness only 
knows whether he's broken his leg or got yellow fever. 

tiean — 0, Barbara, what if it should be yellow fever, 
or some other terrible disease! What ioo%dd we do? 

Barbara — Be quarantined, of course; and we would 
probably catch it, and then our hair would all come out, 
and you would lose your beautiful complexion. 

Jean — (clutching her face) 0, Bab, do you really 
think so? 0. that miserable, inconsiderate man! 

Barh. — But we don't know, yet, Jeannie. 

Jean — But I feel it in my bones that that's the trou- 
ble. 

Barb. — Well, maybe your bones will disappoint you, 
but let's be prepared, whatever comes. 

(Exeunt.) 

(Enter Jack and Dr. Williams, supporting Captain^ 
Harrington, jn dressing goivn and big overcoat, head ban- 
aged, and groaning at every step. Behind them come Jean 
end Ban^baraJ 

Dr. Williams- — We'll put him right here on the couch, 
Jack. I'll see what's the matter with him before we put 
him to bed, 

(Captain makes gesture of protest.) 

Dr. W. — (pompously) Now, now, my dear sir, don't 
begin to worry. I know what is best for you 

(Jean and Barb, make couch comfortable, and the 
men help the Captain to lie doivn.) 

Dr. W. — Now, Captain, please tell me, as concisely as 
you can, exactly what happened. 

Captain — (speaking 2vith difficulty) The train stop- 
ped — at a little siding — ^to get — orders — from the — tele- 
graph operator — and it was such — a beautiful moonlight 
— night — that I got out — to look around. Stumbled over 
something — and next thing I knew — was in berth — ^with 
my head bandaged— up — and porter and conductor — 



The Captain's Predicament 5 

Barb, — Oh, how dreadful! 

Jack — Too bad, old fellow. 

Jeayi — But it mipht have been worse — it might have 
bean i/cJIow fever! 

Dr, W, — (eoxiieGi^' Precisely, precisely. (Unties 
handage and feels Captahrs head,) Not a scratch, you 
see, not a scratch. Concussion, just plain concussion of 
■^he brain. Very serious. (Replaces bandage.) Accounts 
for his high fever: he'll probably be delirious very soon. 
(Rims his hands uj) and dcicn patic.iVs body and legs,) 
"No broken bones, I hope. Ah! (Feds Captain's ankle.. 
A sprain, a bad sprsin — must be bound immediately. 
Miss Barbara, kindly hand me my case; it has bandages 
in it. Jack, you m_ay assist me. (Together they bandage 
ankle.). Let me see your tongue. (Patient py.ts out his 
tongue.) Bad, very bad. (Pokes the r mom Her in patienff? 
Piouth, and feels his pulse.' Pulse one hundred and two. 
> P^flls Oi:t iherviomcter an^ shouts excitedly) Tempera- 
tare one hundred a,nd fifty! 

f Barbara, Jean and. Jack exclaim in horror.) 

Dr. W. — Now, my dear young ladies, action! action! 
but be perfectly calm and quiet. Calmness is very neces- 
sary-. Patient must be put to bed immediately. 

Capt. — I w^on't! I — I'm better already! I will not 
go to bed ! 

Dr. W, — (soothingly) There, there, my dear sir, 
don't excite yourself. We will make a slight concession, 
and let you lie on the couch until you recuperate a trifle 
from your journey. But we must make haste to care for 
you. Nov.\ yoivrg ladies, bring me cracked ice and hot 
v/ater bottle? — bandii'ze?>i — comforts. Hurry! 

Barb. — We havF the things all ready. 

(Exeunt Barb, and Jean.) 

Dr. W. — We will remove his overcoat. 

Capt. — (holding it tightly) No, no, I won't have it 
taken off. 

(Dr. \V. ^teps behind Captain and motions signifi- 
cantly to his head. Jack nods sympathetically.) 



6* The Captain's Predicament 

(Enter Barbara and Jean, loaded with articles the 
Dr. asked for.) 

Dr. W. — Now, my dear young ladies, the bag of ice 
for his feet — no, no, his head! Jack, put the hot water 
bottle on his ankle. He ought to have another on his 
stomach, to counteract the effect of the ice; the stomach 
:s such a sensitive organ. Here, fix these pillows under 
his head. Now, cover him up with these comforts. (All 
work rapidly as Dr. directs.) Now, my dear sir, I'll 
leave you some medicine. (Seats himself at table and 
opens bag.) A glass of water, please, Miss Barbara, and 
two or three small dishes. 

(Exit Barbara. Returns with glasses and dishes.) 

Dr. W, — Now, let me think. (Opens case and begins 
to take out medicines, speaks slowly and importantly.) 
These pink pills are to be given every fifteen minutes, the 
brown ones every fift>een minutes, beginning ten minutes 
after the first pink one ; these red ones, every twenty 
minutes, beginning between the pink and broA\Ti ones. The 
liquid in this glass (Measures fluid into one glass of wat^ 
er.) is to be given everj'^ half hour omitting when it comes 
in conjunction with one of the pink pills. And this liquid 
give every hour, omitting when it interferes with first 
liquid. I think that is perfectly clear, but you had better 
make a memorandum of it. I wish to be perfectly sure 
because of the effect on his brain. If he becomes delir- 
ious or stupid, send for me. I'll drop in this evening, any- 
way, and give him. a sleeping powder. Now, don't be 
alarmed at any symptom v/hich may appear. This is a 
very serious case, but I hope to pull him through. (Shakes 
head sadly; gathers up his bottles and case.) Good-day, 
Captain. Good-bye, Jack — young ladies, I will give you 
further directions in the next room. 

(Exeunt Barbara, Jean and the Doctor. As dooir 
closes, the Capt. starts up; throws off covers, slings ice- 
bag and hot umter bottle in middle of room.) 

Capt — ^Jack, for the love of mercy, take these things 
away! There's not a thing the matter with me. 



The Captain's Predicament 7 

Jack — (rushing to push him hack on couch) There, 
there, old fellow, you're all right. Just lie still — ^you'll be 
well pretty soon. 

Capt, — But, Jack, Fm not sick. There's not a thing 
the matter with me.. 

Jack — (rushing to door) Doctor! Doctor! 

(Doctor, Barb, and Jean rush in.) 

Jack — (Points to patient crouching on couch then ta 
articles on floor.) The spell came on just as you left. 

Dr. W. — (excitedly) Just as I said; delirium. 
(Speaks soothingly to Capt.) Lie down again. There's 
a good fellow, and let us cover you up. 

Capt. — But, Doctor! (Looks at girls; lies down, 
with his face to the wall.) 

Dr, W. — (Puts ice-bag and hot ivater bottle in place; 
covers patient more securely than before.) Very sad case; 
very sad, indeed, but rest assured I will do my best. 

(Exeunt Dr., Barb, and Jean.) 

(Jack stands, staring down a.t Capt.) 

Capt — Jack, are you there? 

Ja^k — Yes, yes, you're all right, Laurie. 

Capt — (Groans.) Jack, please listen and let me tell 
you. (Door at side of room behind screen opens softly and 
Barb, and Jean come in carrying a tray ivith toast and 
tea. They hear Captain's voice, and Barb, motions Jean 
to stop and listen.) 

Jack — Never mind, old fellow, you'll bo all right in a 
day or two. 

Capt — (turns toward. Jack a7id speaks earnestly.) 
Jack, I'm not delirious or crazy, or any of the things that 
old M. D. said about me. I'm not sick or hurt any place. 
It's the craziest thing you ever heard of ; if it was anyone 
but myself, I'd laugh. I did get out of the train it was 
such a beautiful, moonlight night, and I just slipped on, 
my shoes, and put my overcoat over my dressing gown, 
and while I was looking at the landscape, that blamed old 
train melted away into the scenery, and there I was, on 



8 The Cap taints Predicament 

that little platform, not a thing in sight but the telegraph 
operator's hut, and my clothes and money and everyhing 
else, traveling north at the rate of fifty miles an hour. 0, 
yes, laugh! (Jack begins to roar.) It's awfully funny!" 
Funniest thing I ever heard of. Maybe you'd like to try 
it. Wasn't a thing to do but stay there till the next 
through train came along. The operator wired you to 
meet me, and my conductor to express my baggage here. 
Then we made up a cock-and-bull story to tell the incom- 
ing conductor about my having had a dreadful fall, etc., 
and he and the porter put me into a berth, and waited on 
me as though I was precious enough to w^rap in cotton. 
Beastliest business I ever heard of. But the worst of it 
is (Capt, sits up eneregetically,; I haven't got a thing to 
wear, not a single piece of dry goods, until my clothes get 
here — unless you can lend me som.ething — and I haven't 
had a thing to eat, and I'm so hungry I could tie myself 
up in a knot. 

(Girls listen and ivhisper together.) 

Jack — You're welcome to anything I've got. Laurie,, 
but I'm afraid it wouldn't fit you. Maybe ( laughing > 
Bab could take up a few seams for you. 

(Barbara shakes her head vigorously.} 

Capt. — (starting up excitedly} Jack Stannard, don't 
you ever dare tell those girls ! I'll run a bayonet through 
you some dark night, if you do. No, there's nothing I can 
do but play the invalid till my clothes get here. 

(Girls laugh silently and whisper,) 

Jack — Well, you can't get well too fast, old m^an, or 
they'll be on to you in a minute. Those girls are sharp, 
all right. 

(Girls nod emphatically.} 

Capt. — Holy Smoke! Have I got to be laid up here 
lor a week or so, and miss a lot of good times just to keep 
up this fable? 

Jack — (grinrdng) Looks like it. But you'll have- 
plenty of good times, all right, all right. All the girls in 
town'll be in to bring you flowers and jelly, and read you 
poetry. 



The Copfahfs Predicament 9 

Capt, — Let 'em try; just let *em try! UU scare thern 
to death — have delirium and everything else. Great Je- 
hosophat! Fm empty clear through. If I could only have 
one good meal ! 

(Girls look at each other and shake heads energet- 
ically. ) 

^ Jack — Never mind, old man, Fll smuggle things in to 
you. Cheer up, sad heart, the worst is yet to come. 

(Barb, and Jean open and close the door noisily, and\ 
Capt, falls on couch, ichile Jack covers him up,) 

(Enter Barb, and Jean,) 

Barb, — (severely) I thought I heard voices, Jack. 
The Dr. said the patient muct have perfect quiet, 

Jean — And here is the ice-bag and hot water bottle 
on the floor ! What does that mean ? 

Jack — (stammering) Why — er — a — why, he got de- 
r'rious and threw them around. 

Jean — Poor fellow! Have you been giving him his 
medicine, Jack? 

Jack — I never thought of it. 

Barb. — (sarcastically) A fine nurse you are! What 
if the Captain should die through your neglect? 

Ca.p^, — (we<ikly) I feel better now, much better. 

Barb. — 0, I am so glad. But you must be very care- 
ful. The doctor thinks you'll be confined to the house for 
several weeks. (Glances at Jean,) Now, if you can sit up 
Tor a very few minutes, you can have something to eat. 

(Capt, sits up quickly. Barb, runs to. him.) No, no I 
You mustn't move alone. Jack, you and Jean help me. 

(Jean arranges pilloics and Jack helps Capt. to sit 
up,) 

Jean — Don't you think he ought to have a pill? 

Barb, — By all means. (Consults Dr.'s directions on 
table,) A pink one first. Here, Captain. (Gives him a 
pill,) Now you shall have our lunch. (Brings chair to side 
of couch; holds tray on lap and begins to feed the Capt, 



10 The Captain's Predicament 

small bits of tcmst, and spoonfuls of tea. Jean straight- 
ens up table and room.) 

Capt, — I can feed myself perfectly, Miss Stannard; I 
always have done it. I wouldn't put you to so much trou- 
ble for anything in the world. 

Barb. — Oh, it's no trouble at all, Captain. I'm per- 
fectly delighted to do it. Just pretend you're in a hospit- 
:j1 in France, and I'm a Red Cross nurse taking care of 
you. I was perfectly crazy to go overseas as a nurse, but 
they wouldn't take me, and now here I have an injured ar- 
my officer brought to my very door. Isn't it wonderful? 

(Jack has mdden convulsion of coughing.) 

Barb. — Jean, you and Jack had better go and have 
your lunch novv, I'll come presently.. Jack is too noisy for 
a sick room. 

(Exeunt Jean and Jack.) " 

(Capt. finishes eating.) 

Barb. — TTow do you feel, now? 

Capt. — I have such a— a — faint feeling right here. 
(Puts hand en stomach.) 

Barb. — (apparently alarmed) Oh, your heart! I 
must have given you too much to eat. I'll give you an- 
other pill ; it's time for your bj'own one now. You must 
lie dovm. (Capt. objects.) Yes, you must. Til sit here 
and give j^ou your medicine. (Helps him lie doum and 
covers him up; seats herself.) 

Capt. — I can't tell you how sorry I am, Miss Stan- 
nard, to make such a beastly lot of trouble for you ; you'll 
never want me to visit you again. But I'll be all right as 
soon as — er — I mean in a day or two. 

Barb. — Oh, you poor man ! You don't realize. Why, 
Captain, it will be weeks before you can be up. The doc- 
tor considers it very serious. You might have been killed. 
Of course, we're awfully sorry about your visit being 
spoiled, for we had planned dances and picnics and din- 
ners ; and there are lots of pretty girls in town. Captain. 



The Captain's Predicament 11 

Capt — I can believe that there are at least two, any- 
way. 

Barb. — That was very nice of you. Captain. But — 
Oh, it is time for you to have a pili. (Gets red one from 
dish and gives it to him,) 

Capt. — Miss Barbara — 

(Enter Jean.) 

Jean — How is the Captain, Barbara? 

Capt — Oh, I'm ever so much better. Just miles and 
miles better. 

Jean — ^Then I m going to let the girls come in just 
for a second. They're so interested 

Copt. — (desperately) Oh, Miss Jean! 

Jean — (opens door) Come in, girls. 

(Enter Miss Molly Cushwnn, Miss Dorothea Drake, 
Miss Pauline Clemmons.) 

Barb. — (nsmg) Girls, you must be very> very quiet, 
and stay but a moment. Miss Cushman, Miss Drake, Miss 
Clemmons — Captain Harrington. (Capt. bows wearily, 
girls smile and bow gushingly.) 

Miss Cu^shman — Oh, Bab, dear, isn't it romantic? 
Think of having a wounded army officer at your very 
door. It's just like a novel. 

Miss Clemmons — And he might have been killed! 
Think of all he escaped in France, to almost meet death 
in his native land. It makes me shiver with horror at the 
thought. 

Miss Drake — Was the concussion ver\' bad. Captain 
Harrington? Dr. Williams told us you have one. I should 
love to see it. I never saw a concussion. You know, I'm 
just daffy about nursing. I think I shall study it; it is 
so interesting and romantic. 

Jean — Do sit down, girls. (Places chairs.) 

Barb. — Time for your medicine, Captain. (Gives 
)tim spoonful of liquid.) 

Miss Clemmons — See how quietly he takes it. Some 
men are so disagreeable when they're sick. 



:!2 The CGptoin's PredtcameM 

Miss Cushman — Do tell us how you felt, Captain, 
when you found what had happened to you, almost as 
though you were still in battle, I suppose. 

Capt. — I felt like the — er — um — thirty cents. 

JeoM — Just like a Susie Damn, you know. Knocked 
over and bobbed up serenely. 

Miss Drake — Oh, Jean, how can you joke about it? 
Because it wasn't serenely at all. His dignity must have 
been terribly hurt. 

Barbara — Oh, no, it was his head, not his dignity. 

(Capt, squirms uneasily, j 

Miss Drake — Well, no one need ever tell me that ar- 
my officers aren't brave. Just see how nobly he bears his 
suffering, and with that cloth tied around his head, too. 

Girls — (exclaiming J Poor man! 

Miss Cushman — (Rises and goes to couch) Captain, 
if you would only allow me to smooth away the pain from 
your brow, my friends think my touch is really magnetic. 

Capt, — No doubt; no doubt 

Barb. — What's so soothing to man's infirmities as 
the touch of a woman's hand? 

Miss Drake — That is sadly true, dear Barbara. 

Miss Clemt/ions—Knye you ever tried the beneficial 
effect. Captain Harrington, of having some one read poe- 
try aloud to you? The rythmical cadence of the lines is 
like soothing music, and lulls the mind to rest ere you 
>*ealize the comfort that is being wTOUght in your behalf. 
I brought a book of poems with me; my own composition, 
(produces book from fancy silk bag,) and if you would 
like to have me, I will read a few selections. 

Capt. — (Throws covers from, him and springs up, 
loildly waving his arms.) Friends, Romans, Countrymen, 
lend me your ears ! Oh, Demosthenes, prince of orators ! 
He was a Bayard> without fear and without reproach ! My 
only regret is, I have but life to give for my coimtry ! 
(Falls back iceakly on couch and murnbles to himself. 
Girls screami, spring to feet and stand horrified,) 



The Captain's Predicament 13 

Barb. — It's the delirium again! Run for Dr. Wil- 
liams ! Call Jack ! Hurry ! Hu rry ! 

(Exeunt Jean and Miss Drake, Miss Clvmmons and 
Miss Cushman help Barb, lay Capt. down: fan him, etc.^ 

(Dr. Williams, Jack, Jean and Miss Drake rush in.) 

Dr. W. — Wnat's this I hear? Precisely what I said. 
Brain badly affected; perfect quiet necessary; calm and 
peaceful surroundinors. And Avhat do I find ? Patient all 
excited; feverish condition; much suffering. Room full of 
giddy, noisy giris, talking and laughing, fairly shouting. 
I should think you would have enough sense not to behave 
bO outrageously with a sick person. 

Barb. — Dr. Williams ' Please remember you are talk- 
ing to ^2/ friends! 

Miss Drake — (putting handkerchief to her eyes) 
You are a cruel man. I shall not stay to be insulted. The 
Captain will prooably die, an>^vay, and you might let us 
soothe his last moments. He certainly seemed to be en- 
joying himself. (Sweeps out of room and slams door.) 

Dr. W — (Jumps as door slams) Confound that — 
excuse me, young ladies. (Bows to Miss Clemmons and 
Miss Cushman.) If it would not be forcing to great an 
affliction upon you, would you do me the kindness to ab- 
sent yourselves from this room long enough for the Cap- 
tain to recuperate after his period of rejoicing? 

Miss Cushman — (with dignity) I never stay v/here 
I can plainly see I am not wanted. 

Miss Clemmons — I wish you joy, Barbara, dear, both 
of your patient and your doctor. 

(Exeunt both girls.) 

Jack — Bravo ! Bravo ! 

Jean — I am ashamed of you, Jack, I shall not speak 
to you for twenty-four hours. 

Dr. W. — Now, Miss Barbara, let this nonsense cease. 
1 shall do v/hat I can for the patient, and I expect you and 
Miss Jean to do the same. No more pink teas for awhile. 
Now, Captain, we will take off your overcoat. (Captain 



H The Captain's Predicament 

pulls it tightly around him,) Just let us take it off now^ 
there's a good fellow. We'll take care of it for you. 
* (Aside to Jack and the girls,) It's just a delirious fancy 
— ^we must be gentle with him. (He and Jack remove the 
overcoat,} Now, Miss Barbara, some fresh, cool pillows^ 
another ice-bag, and a palm -leaf fan. 

(Exeunt Barbara and Jean,) 

Dr. V/. — Now, Jnck, don't you let those other girls 
come here again, before the captain is well. If you do, I 
wash my hands of the whole affair. I'll not be responsi- 
ble for the Captain's condition with a lot of silly young 
women around. 

(Enter Barb, and Jean, carrying articles.) 

Dr. W. — You are doing splendidly, young ladies, 
splendidly. Haste is always nec:essary in a case like this, 
but too much haste makes waste. Now, we will have a 
fresh pillow under his head; tighten the bandage on his 
brow; put the ice-bag at the base of the brain- one hot 
water bottle at his feet, the other on his stomach. (Jack 
and girls help arrange the Capt.) Now, I will give him a 
spoonful of this liquid; and then, Miss Barbara, I want 
:r ou to fan him till he goes to sleep. He is calm and com- 
posed, now; cool and comfortable, and I want him to re- 
main so. Give him his medicine according to directions, 
if he should be wakeful ; if he sleeps, it won't hurt him to 
do without it. Tomorrow he may have four raw eggs and 
a quart of milk. I will come early in the morning. I 
hope he will still be alive. 

(Exit Dr. W.). 

(Barb, stands at head of couch and fans Capt. Jeari 
picks up magazine; seats herself at side of stage; Jack 
comes near her and tries to talk.) 

Jack — I say, Jean, I didn't mean to hurt your feel- 
ings about those old girls — er — excuse me, I mean, your 
friends. 

(Jean continues io read, and doesn't answer.) 

Jack — (trying to take magazine) You're not really 
and truly mad, are you, Jean? 



The Captain's Predicament 15: 

Barb. — Jack, stop bothering Jean, and stop talking. 
The Captain is almost asleep. Yes, (Bends and listens 
to his breathing.) he is. Now, Jack, Jean and I are tired, 
out. We're going to rest a little, and you sit here by Cap-. 
tain Harrington. 

(Exeunt Jean and Barb, very softly.) 

Capt — (Throws off covering and. stands up.) Jack, 
for the love of Heaven, help me ! I'll be a stark, staring, 
crazy lunatic if this keeps up twenty-four hours longer. 
I'm so hungry I ache. I can't tell my stomach from my 
back. And four raw eggs and a quart of milk tomorrow! 
Jack, I am crazy! You'd better send me off to the luna-, 
tic asylum; I can't stand it any longer. I'm beginning to 
see things. 

Jach— -(Walks up and doivn ivith hands in pockets, 
thinldng daeply.) There's only one thing to do, Laurie. 
Your baggage will be here tomorrow, and, as soon as you 
get our clothes, you'll just have to get well. 

Capt. — It won't do, Jack. I can't get well so soon. 
Why? W^hy, what would Barbara think of me? And Miss 
Jean ? They'd never speak to me again. 

Jack — Cheer up, old man, I've got it, the very thing. 

C(vpt. — Hurry, hurry, before I fade away. 

Jack — You shall get well as soon as your clothes 
come. Now, listen to me. But it will all be owing to Dr. 
Williams' medicine — and the girls' care. It v/ill be a 
vjonderfnl recovery. That'll just suit the old duffer; he 
thinks he'<^ the whole push, anyway, and of course the 
girls will be in raptures to think their care has done sov 
much for you. Now, what do you think of that scheme? 
Of course, you'd have to be a bit languid and droopy for 
•I day or two, just enough to be interesting and then 
you'll be as right as a cricket. But you must make it look 
something wonderful; spread your gratitude on as thick 
as — as — ^the Duifs on Miss Dorothea Drake's head. 



16 The Captain's Predicament 

Capt. — Jack, yoivre a brick. You bet Fli do my part, 
iill right. (Rises; goes to Jack and gives him a shake. j 
Say, old fellow, order me five pounds of broiled steak for 
breakfast, good and rare; a dozen fresh rolls, half a doz- 
.en grape fruit, and a gallon of good, black coffee. (Both 
laugh loudly,) 

CURTAIN. 



ACT 11. 
Place — Same as Act I. Time — Next morning, 
Capt, — (propped up on couch,) Why the deuce does- 
n't that crazy Jack come? 1 heard the expressman bring 
my trunk an hour ago. 

(Door operis carefully. Enter Jack, carrying small 
traveling bag.) 

Capt. — (eagerly) Do you always travel like a snail? 
Can I go and get my clothes on now? 

Jack — (Sits on edge of table and shakes head sad- 
ly.) The enemy has routed us — we're done for. 

Capt. — (aghast) You don't mean — 

Jack — That's just what I do mean, though. My dear 
little sister likes to be a nurse; thinks you're just the fin- 
est patient ever was; isn't going to let you get away until 
you get well; she isn't going to be responsible for 
your dying; no, sir! You stay here with your dressing 
gown on till the Doctor says the word. 

Capt. — (Clasps both hands to his head.) Oh, ye 
bnakes and little toads ! Hoav in the tiame of all the mar- 
tyrs and ministers of grace, am I going to stand it ? An- 
other week! Another day! Another hour! Jack, sup- 
pose those girls, those three, sv/eet, shy creatures should 
come back and read me poetry? Just suppose! 

Jack — They're coming, all right — I heard Jean say 
so. 

Capt. — Then, I'll just expire now and be done with it. 
Send for the undertaker. I leave you my undying affec- 
tion, Jack, and you can divide my belongings as you see 



The Captain s Predicament 17 

fit. Perhaps you'd better irive my clothes to Barbara, and 
teil her if it hadn't, been for her cruel, hardened heart, I 
might still be inside of them. (Lays himself flat on couch 
and folds hands,) 

Jack — You might show a little gratitude; I've 
brought you something to eat. Perhaps you won't want 
it if you're going to expire. 

Capt. — (Jumps to feet,- Who said expire? Bring 
forth m.y food, unruly knave. 

Jack — I couldn't get very much. I think Bab had 
locked every thing up, and 1 was afraid she would find out 
what I was doing. I'll move the table and put the screen 
around you, and then I'll mount guard. (Moves table in 
front of couch, and sets screen between them and the resfi 
of the room. Opens satchel and sets tivo sandiviches,^^ 
soyne salad and a small tin pail of ciffee on table, ^ 

Capt, — Never, never, did food look so good to me. 

Jack — You eat, and I'll sit over there and keep watch. 
If anyone comes in, don't be scared unless I whistle "The 
Last Rose of Summer." Then you'd better be peacefully 
sleeping. 

(Capt. nods and begins to eat rave7iOusly. Jack takes, 
hiok and sits in arm chair on other side of screen.) 

(Enter Jean, Stops ichen she sees Jack,) 

Jean — (coldly) Oh. are you here? Barbara told me 
to come in and take care of the Captain; but as you are 
here, I'll not stay. 

Jack — (junipinLj iij') Oh, please stay, Jean. Laurie 
is peacefully sleepino;^, and I haven't a thing to do. 

Jeayi — No, I won't stay, for you would probably talk, 
and that would waken the Captain. 

Jack — Of course I would talk. 

Jean — Well, I wouldn't answer you. 

Jack — Jean, are you really mad at me? I didn't 
mean what I said about those girls. 



18 The Captain's Predicament 

Jean — It was very unkind and un — ungentlemanly of 
you to say what you said about them. If you would say 
such tilings about them, how do I know what you would 
say about me? 

Jack — Jean, you know what I say about you. Won't 
you please make up ? 

Jean — (suddenly) Did you ever make love to a girl, 
Jack? 

Jack — Make love to a girl? Why — er — er — of course 
not. What an idea! 

Jean — (disappointedly) Then, you can't help me, so 
I might as well go. 

Jack — Can't help you? How in creation could my 
making love to a girl help you? I'd try, if you'd let me, 
Jean. 

Jean — You see, our club is going to give a play, and, 
as we're all girls, some of us have to be men, and I'm one. 
I have to make love to a girl and I don't know how. You 
needn't laugh; it's perfectly ridiculous the way I do it, 
bvA I thought you — ^you might show me how, if you had 
ever tried it. 

J ackr-~( eagerly) I could make a guess at it, and I'd 
love to help you. 

(Capt. listens and. grins; finishes eating and sits back 
on couch to listen.) 

Jack — Now, what is it you want me to do? 

Jean — ^Well, the man, that's me, you know, has to 
take the girl's hand very tenderly, and say: "Molly, I 
want to tell you something." And then he slips his arm 
Sj^round her and says: '1 love you dearly." And the girl 
looks up and says: "Oh, Reginald!" 

Jack — That's easy. You stand there and I'll come up 
to you. (Suits actions to words.) Jean, I want to tell you 
something. 

Jean — No, no — You must say "Molly." 

Jack — Let's do it over. (Walks away and begins 
again.) Molly, I want to tell you something. (Slips arm 
about her.) I love you dearly. 



The Captain's Predicament 10 

(Capt sneezes.) 

Jean — (catching Jack's crm.) Oh, Jack, what was 
that? 

Jack — (angrily) Sounds like some old donkey. 

Jea7i — Oh, was that all? Then, don't you think we'd 
better do it over again? 

Jack — Why — a — certainly, I'd be delighted, only we 
had better speak very low, so as not to waken the Captain. 
(Repeats action.) Molly, I want to tell you something. I 
love you — dearly. 

Jean — (sh^jly) Oh, Ja — :Reginald, i mean. 

(Door opens suddenly, and Barb., Miss Drake Miss 
Clemmons and Miss Cushman enter. All exclaim.) 

All — Oh, pardon us! Excuse us! etc. 

Jean — We — we—we're just rehearsing. 

Jack — Yes, just rehearsing. 

(Girls laugh loudly.) 

Miss Drak^ — Oh, isn't that too^ delicious ! Just re- 
hearsing. Allow me to congratulate you. Jack. 

Miss Clemmons — And Jean, too, you sly thing. 
(Kisses her.) 

Miss Cushman — ^We won't tell a soul, not a souL Is- 
n't it perfectly dear? 

Barb. — (Goes to them and holds her hands above 
them.) Bless you, my children. 

Jean — But, Barbara — 

Jack — Thanks, m_y dear sister. W^e didn't mean to 
tell anyone so soon, but it's all right, and we're dread- 
fully happy. 

Barb. — I must tell the Captain, if he's awake. 

Ja^k — Oh, say, Bab, wait a minute. I've got a letter 
lor you. (Searches his pockets, aiid whistles '*Last Rose 
of Summer.''} Oh, no, I haven't either; must have laid it 
dovra some place. But I wouldn't disturb Laurie, if I 
were you. 

(Capt. scrambles pail and traveling bag under table, 
and pretends to sleep.) 



20 The Captain's Predicament 

Barb, — (pe^pmg around screen) Oh, he*s asleep. 

Capt. — (rovmngj What — what did you sa3^? 

Barb. — I didn't mean to waken you. How are you^ 
this morning? 

Capt, — Beastly. Oh, er — I mean fine — just splendid 
— never felt better in my life. All owing to your care, too. 

Barr^—Vm so glad. But, you know Jean helped, too; 
and these young ladies. They've come back this morning 
to see what they can do. You mustn't frighten them 
^gain. 

Mifis D7'a/r:f;--N*!Ughty man, you frightened me near- 
ly into spasms; I was positively speechless. 

Capt — Not permanently, I hope. 
Miss Drake — Well, not entirely. Just see how for- 
giving I am, Tve brought you these lovely flowers. 
Capt, — -You overwhelm m.e. 

Barb, — Oh, how beautiful! Let me get a vase for 
them. (Exit) 

Miss Ciishman — And I have brought you some cus- 
tard. It is so good for invalids, and T made it myself. 

Capt, — I don't knov/ how to thank you for jowy kind- 
ness. 

Mis9. Ciishraavv — It will be enough thanks if you just 
huriy up and get well. 

Miss Clemmo'ns — You mustn't forget me, Capt. Har- 
rington. I brought my poems. I thought you would feel 
more like hearing poetry today than yesterday. Probably 
your ner^ es are in a more settled condition ; and poetry is 
so soothing. Jean, don't you think it would be sweet to 
fix the Captain's cushions comfortably, and while he is 
eating Molly's custard, I would read to him. It would be 
mental and physical nourishment at the same time. 

(Enter Barb,, carrying floivers in vase,) 

Jean — Charming! Jack, help me fix the cushions. 

(Jean and Jack go toward the Capt.} 



T' he Captain's Predicament 21 

Capt. — (protesting feebly.) But, Fm very comfort- 
iible, and — and — 1 don't believe f ought to eat the custard 
— it— it — might not agree with me, and I have to be very- 
careful. 

Barb, — Custard is fine for invalids; the doctor said 
you could have it. Molly, you had better feed him, for he 
is very weak, yet ; and feed him sloAvly. 

(Jean and Jack arrange cushions, then Jean sits oM 
iloor; Jack lounges; Molly sits beside Capt., and feeds 
him; Miss Drake fans him.; Barb, embroiders, and Mis^ 
Clemmonf: sits in rocking chair and rocks violently as shS 
talks and reads.) 

Miss Clemmov^ — (opening book) What kind of poe- 
try do you prefer, Captain? 

Capt. — Martial; warlike; beating of drums and fir- 
ing of cannon. 

Miss Clemmons — Oh, dear! I'm so sorry. Mine are 
mostly verses on love, and "lines to my lady's eyes," and 
odes to spring. Here's one I am sure you will like. I 
have called it 'The Spring Song/' (Begins to read dra- 
matically.) 

Oh, lovely Spring, 

When first you ring 

Sweet bells of perfume. 

And you bring 

The birdlings that do sing and sing; 

With half -closed eyes. 

My soul, it sighs. 

And rings sweet joy bells,, 

That the skies are blue as my dear loved one's eyes. 

Oh, wanton wind. 

So sweet and kind, 

When flaunting far, — " 

Capt — Stop ! (He rises and the rest jump to feet in 
consternation.) This can go no further! I will not eat 
another bite of custard; I will not be fanned: I w^ijl not 
listen to another line of iH)etry. I will have on my clothes 
and do as I please. 



22 The Captain's Predicament 

(All look from one to another, horrified.) 

Miss Drake — (hysterically) His clothes? He*s re- 
lapsed ! He's relapsed ! Oh, send for the doctor ! 

(Enter Dr. Willia7ns.) 

Dr. TT/.— What's all this? What's all this? What do 
you want me for? 

Capt. — We don't want you — except to go home. 

Dr. Tf.— Sir! 

Capt. — That's what I said, and what I mean ; and 
take your old pill-box with you. 

Dr. W. — Don't be alarmed. Miss Barbara; it is just 
a phase of the disease. He really is almost demented. 

Capt. — I will be demented if this lasts much longer. 
There's not a thing the matter with me — not a thing. 

(All exclaim.) 

Capt — I just stepped off the train for a moment, and 
it went off and left me — ^well — not sufficiently clothed to 
continue my journey. So I planned to play invalid until 
my trunk arrived. But this — this — doctor — ^made such a 
diagnosis, that everybody thought I was about ready to 
die, and treated me accordingly; and I tell you I ivon't 
stand it. 

Dr. W. — (pompously) Perhaps, young man you think 
I was not aware of your true condition. 

Capt. — That's just what I do think. 

Dr. W. — (to Jack and Barb.) My dear young friends, 
for my life-long friendship to your parents, I will forgive 
this gentleman's discourtesy. I hope he may soon recov- 
er the poise of mind he lost, along with his clothes. 
rExit) 

Miss Drake — Do you mean that there is nothing the 
matter with you; nothing at all? 

Miss Clem7nons —Except that you lost your — your 
clothes? 

(Captain nods.) 

Miss Cushman — It is the greatest swindle I ever 
heard of. 



The Captain's Predicament 23 

Miss Drake — Just think of the strain on our nerves ; 
of the wasted sympathy, and my flowers. 

Miss CttshTnan — And my custard. 

Miss Clemmons — And my beloved poetry, that I 
brought to soothe his fevered, mind. 

CapL — (dejectedly) I can only beg your forgiveness, 
ladies. 

Miss Clemmons — We can never, never forgive you! 
Such gross imposture! I never wish to see you again. 
Barbara, you have our truest sympathy. 

(Miss Clemmons, Miss Cushman and Miss Drake kiss 
Barb, and Jean good-bye and file slowly out; Miss Drak^ 
with handkerchief to eyeiS.J 

Capt, — Jack, I think I had better go, too. IVe abused 
your hospitality long enough. 

Jack — Nonsense, old fellowM You haven't either; you 
couldn't help it. They'll get over it after a while. 

Capt, — But think how^ I have treated you sister, and 
your sister's friend. Can you forgive me. Miss Barbara? 

Barb. — (Turns away,) I don't know whether I can; 
it has been such a dreadful shock. 

Jean — Just think how you have made us suffer. 

Capt. — I know it — if I could just do something to let 
you know how sorry I am. 

Jean — Theie is nothing you can do. 

Barb. — Yes, there is one thing. 

Capt, — (eagerly,) Tell me. I will do anything you 
ask. 

Barb.— Truly? 

Capt. — As truly as I stand here. 

Barb, — Then forgive us. 

Capt, — Forgive you? 

Barb, — Yes, we heard you tell Jack — 

Capt, and Jack — What! You knew it all this time? 



The Captain's Predicament 

Barb, — Yes, we heard you tell Jack all about it that 
first morning. So we decided to punish you for the fright 
you gave us. We made up dreadful stories and told Dr. 
Williams and the girls, and we were going to keep you an 
invalid as long as we could. Now, will you forgive us? 

(Capt. walics up and down and stops near Barb.) 

Jack — It was a mean trick for the girls to play on 
you, Laurie, but I reckon you're even now. Shake hands 
and forgive and forget (Slips arm around Jean) a& 
Jean and I did. 

(Capt, holds out his hand to Barbara, and she lays: 
hers in it.) 



CURTAIN 



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